Saturday, May 26, 2007

Trying to stop that feeling......that bad feeling

Today I find myself falling back...falling back into that rut. I can't seem to fight it off. Why can't I fight this feeling?

My interest, patience and appreciation for life is getting away from me. How can I stop this feeling? I am mentally and physically exhausted. I feel as if I have used up a considerable amount of energy, both mentally and physically. Why can't I fight this feeling?

Feeling like my mind and body constantly demand rest and sleep. There are days I can't get enough sleep, then there are days I can not sleep. What is it? Why is it? Why can't I fight this feeling?

Feeling completely drained of energy and vitality. This should only happen because of arduous or long-sustained effort. It isn't as if I am working. I have not been able to work. So why do I feel this way? Why can't I fight this feeling?

I am depleted of any strength or energy...but why? A sunken track.. ..a fixed and boring routine, that is where I am. Why can't I stop this feeling?

I am weak and tired of trying to fight this feeling. I try to convince myself I feel better. I try to think about other things and people, I listen to happy music....Why can't I stop this feeling?

I just want one day, when I do not have to make an effort to ignore my pain and fatigue. Why can't I stop this feeling?

Yes, I know and practice behavioral therapy....but why must I have to continue to fight this feeling? Why can't I stop this feeling?

Please, no more, I don't want any more drugs. I want to go back, go back to that time....the time I actually did something to cause me to be tired. I worked, played, drove, sang and enjoyed life. Why can't I go back? Why can't I stop this feeling?

Do you understand? Have you been there? Please share your feelings....I need to know I am not alone. I am not alone. Yet I feel so alone. Alone in this body of mine. The pain and fatigue consume my body and mind, and I feel so alone.

I wrote this when I felt so alone. There are still days I feel alone, although I have my family and friends. This feeling overwhelms us because we just get tired of fighting this fatigue. If I could just have pain and no fatigue.

I have no patience for this fatigue. Why must I always rest? Why must I pace? I truly do not like that word....PACE. I guess that is the lesson I must learn.....I must learn to pace myself and my life.

I need time to think about this....I need to stop that bad feeling.

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