Hello Everyone,
I have decided to continue on my book project. Many things have changed and I still have prior items to change. My book will include my own experience, tips, forms, tools and suggestions on how to stay comfortable. My dream is to complete it, publish it, and the whole ideal is to help me heal emotionally. I will share the beginning of my journey as well as the path I have walked with fibromyalgia and chronic illness. I will start categorizing posts I plan on incorporating into my book under “My Book.”
So what you do think about this? Any suggestions? Any comments? I welcome anyone’s feedback.
I hope you have a pain and fatigue free day!
Fibro Viv
Allow yourself to share your experience with this invisible illness and help yourself and others too. Share your tools, how you deal with everyday life, and gain access to information on Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome and Fibromyalgia (CFIDS/FMS). My mission is to empower patients to take control of their health by providing my own story and experience with treatment information, quality health products, community, and advocacy.
Showing posts with label My Book. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Book. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Sunday, November 02, 2008
What is new?
Hello Everyone!
After reviewing my notes from the past, I know I am feeling better and in a better place. I am grateful to everyone that has been there for me. I remember the days I could not get out of bed, the fatigue and pain I felt every moment of my life. My pain and fatigue have decreased since 1998. I pray there are others that feel the same way. The key is to keep track of your pain, keep moving (yoga, stretch, exercise), and stay positive. I must keep practicing what I preach to everyone, especially the pacing. I want everyone to know that if we are willing to stick to a regime, we will feel better.
Take control of your health, ask questions, try new techniques and ideas on dealing with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. I am able to look back at my journals and I have improved! Yes, I still get tired, weak and require naps, but I feel better and stronger.
I have been kind of tired, but I actually walked to my girlfriend's house the other day. She had a deadline to meet and I wanted to borrow her car, so I walked to her house and borrowed her car. After my doctor visit, I went to the pharmacy and had my prescriptions filled. By the time I made it back home, it was kind of hot outside, so I waited a couple of hours prior to returning the car. When I returned the car, my friend offered to drive me home. I wanted to walk home just because I could, granted she only lives three quarters of a mile from me, but I was able to walk without pain. Oh Yeah! Can you tell I am proud of myself? I never thought I would be able to walk for any distance without fatigue and extreme pain.
One day at a time, Sweet Jesus, one day at a time, and so the song goes, I often sing because it makes me smile. I still get fatigued and have pain, but I am in control. As long as I keep a positive attitude and continue to motivate myself, I have better days. I have great days, good days, fair days, and bad days, but I have more good days than bad days. My newest challenge or adventure is trying to figure out why the back of my head (lower section) has a long indent and why I have been having frequent headaches. I went to see my Neurologist and he said the dent was not normal, so I am going to for an MRI on Tuesday. I am sure I will be fine, but my Neurologist has to figure what is going on with my brain and neck. The left side of my body has always been the weakest, and I have experienced some electrical shock like sensations on my left side, from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. Neck pain is not new to me, but it has increased and is very annoying.
Update on my poor hubby. He is scheduled for surgery on November 11, 2008 for Cervical Spinal Fusion. We are praying the surgery will be a success and he will recover without pain. The long term goal is to watch him grow stronger. He has been very weak, falling down on occasion, and also suffering from his pulmonary disease (COPD). He has had to use a walker and can only stand for a short period of time. I hope and pray this surgery makes a difference and helps him feel stronger. Please pray for him. He has been my rock and continues to love me as I am, just as I love him. Please pray for him, he is a good person.
On another note, I need to generate some income, soon. Any suggestions? I do not have transportation or money to invest. I would have to work from home and the hours would be limited due to my physical condition. I want to work, but I am not ready to jump in and kill myself, setting myself up for failure. I will be selling my beanies on this site. So please check out my beanie list, buy lots of beanies, give them as gifts or keep them for yourself. Make an offer, I will take a job or sell you my beanies! God Bless
Enjoy the day, I pray and hope you have a fatigue and pain-free day.
Fibro Viv
After reviewing my notes from the past, I know I am feeling better and in a better place. I am grateful to everyone that has been there for me. I remember the days I could not get out of bed, the fatigue and pain I felt every moment of my life. My pain and fatigue have decreased since 1998. I pray there are others that feel the same way. The key is to keep track of your pain, keep moving (yoga, stretch, exercise), and stay positive. I must keep practicing what I preach to everyone, especially the pacing. I want everyone to know that if we are willing to stick to a regime, we will feel better.
Take control of your health, ask questions, try new techniques and ideas on dealing with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. I am able to look back at my journals and I have improved! Yes, I still get tired, weak and require naps, but I feel better and stronger.
I have been kind of tired, but I actually walked to my girlfriend's house the other day. She had a deadline to meet and I wanted to borrow her car, so I walked to her house and borrowed her car. After my doctor visit, I went to the pharmacy and had my prescriptions filled. By the time I made it back home, it was kind of hot outside, so I waited a couple of hours prior to returning the car. When I returned the car, my friend offered to drive me home. I wanted to walk home just because I could, granted she only lives three quarters of a mile from me, but I was able to walk without pain. Oh Yeah! Can you tell I am proud of myself? I never thought I would be able to walk for any distance without fatigue and extreme pain.
One day at a time, Sweet Jesus, one day at a time, and so the song goes, I often sing because it makes me smile. I still get fatigued and have pain, but I am in control. As long as I keep a positive attitude and continue to motivate myself, I have better days. I have great days, good days, fair days, and bad days, but I have more good days than bad days. My newest challenge or adventure is trying to figure out why the back of my head (lower section) has a long indent and why I have been having frequent headaches. I went to see my Neurologist and he said the dent was not normal, so I am going to for an MRI on Tuesday. I am sure I will be fine, but my Neurologist has to figure what is going on with my brain and neck. The left side of my body has always been the weakest, and I have experienced some electrical shock like sensations on my left side, from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. Neck pain is not new to me, but it has increased and is very annoying.
Update on my poor hubby. He is scheduled for surgery on November 11, 2008 for Cervical Spinal Fusion. We are praying the surgery will be a success and he will recover without pain. The long term goal is to watch him grow stronger. He has been very weak, falling down on occasion, and also suffering from his pulmonary disease (COPD). He has had to use a walker and can only stand for a short period of time. I hope and pray this surgery makes a difference and helps him feel stronger. Please pray for him. He has been my rock and continues to love me as I am, just as I love him. Please pray for him, he is a good person.
On another note, I need to generate some income, soon. Any suggestions? I do not have transportation or money to invest. I would have to work from home and the hours would be limited due to my physical condition. I want to work, but I am not ready to jump in and kill myself, setting myself up for failure. I will be selling my beanies on this site. So please check out my beanie list, buy lots of beanies, give them as gifts or keep them for yourself. Make an offer, I will take a job or sell you my beanies! God Bless
Enjoy the day, I pray and hope you have a fatigue and pain-free day.
Fibro Viv
Sunday, September 14, 2008
What type of changes are necessary to feel better?
Hello Everyone,
I have had to change several things in my life since I became chronically ill. I have mentioned the need to change my life style, diet and taking supplement’s. I believe one way of taking control of your health is by making simple diet and supplement changes. I know I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables to get all the nutrients my body requires. Nutrients have to go through the stomach first before they can be absorbed into the blood stream which is why I like taking LiquiVida combined with herbs.
Herbs help relieve and heal some gastrointestinal tract issues. For instance, while Chamomile induces relaxation and has a calming effect, (helps with anti-anxiety) it also helps relieve minor GI symptoms such as nausea, gas and stomach cramps. I have read that it provides relief to irritated tissues in the nose, throat, and mouth, thereby helping those who experience acid reflux in the throat. Do not ingest a high dose of Chamomile and if you are allergic to daisies, you might have a reaction. Definitely DO NOT take it if you are pregnant! Read up more on any herb before ingesting it for drug interactions. Please take precautions at all times. What works for me, may not work for you.
Changes in my diet have enabled me to take control of acid reflux. Try the following suggestions:
* Cut down or eliminate caffeine, sweet, and fried foods. I noticed a considerable change when I stopped drinking any type of soda. I do like soda, so I treat myself to one every now and then. I also lost weight with that simple change.
* During meals reduce the amount of fluid you drink (it helps prevent the dilution of stomach acids). Drink water throughout the day. Water is filling and good for you.
* Try eating small meals throughout the day or at least try snacking on something before and after lunch. (This helps stabilize stomach acids).
* Do not lay down or sleep at least 2-3 hours after meals. Food tends to back up into your esophagus when you lie down after a meal. Keep in mind that when you lie down, acid can move up into the esophagus more easily, so wait at least two to three hours after you eat to lie down. It also helps if you elevate your head while in bed.
Try changing your diet by reducing items that might trigger acid reflux. Triggers include sodas, onions, tomatoes, citrus fruits, alcoholic drinks (for those who drink), and high fat foods. Try reintroducing these items to find out what triggers your acid reflux. Keep a food diary or just jot it down on your calendar and note down changes in your health.
Stress seems to always cause some type of problem. Believe it or not, stress may increase stomach acid production or keep acid in the stomach longer. It depends on how you react to stress or manage your stress. Do you eat comfort foods, smoke cigarettes, or drink alcohol? Fortunately, there are things you can do to manage stress and the acid reflux disease symptoms it can cause. Practice stress management on an ongoing basis. Try the following:
* Breathe deeply from your abdomen not your chest.
* Exercise, stretch to release tension on various parts of your body.
* Stay positive, remember everything has a positive side, even if it is just a lesson to be learned.
* Quit smoking if you do. I never smoked, so it was not an issue.
I hope and pray my own experience will help someone today. Please remember to do your research.
Fibro Viv
I have had to change several things in my life since I became chronically ill. I have mentioned the need to change my life style, diet and taking supplement’s. I believe one way of taking control of your health is by making simple diet and supplement changes. I know I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables to get all the nutrients my body requires. Nutrients have to go through the stomach first before they can be absorbed into the blood stream which is why I like taking LiquiVida combined with herbs.
Herbs help relieve and heal some gastrointestinal tract issues. For instance, while Chamomile induces relaxation and has a calming effect, (helps with anti-anxiety) it also helps relieve minor GI symptoms such as nausea, gas and stomach cramps. I have read that it provides relief to irritated tissues in the nose, throat, and mouth, thereby helping those who experience acid reflux in the throat. Do not ingest a high dose of Chamomile and if you are allergic to daisies, you might have a reaction. Definitely DO NOT take it if you are pregnant! Read up more on any herb before ingesting it for drug interactions. Please take precautions at all times. What works for me, may not work for you.
Changes in my diet have enabled me to take control of acid reflux. Try the following suggestions:
* Cut down or eliminate caffeine, sweet, and fried foods. I noticed a considerable change when I stopped drinking any type of soda. I do like soda, so I treat myself to one every now and then. I also lost weight with that simple change.
* During meals reduce the amount of fluid you drink (it helps prevent the dilution of stomach acids). Drink water throughout the day. Water is filling and good for you.
* Try eating small meals throughout the day or at least try snacking on something before and after lunch. (This helps stabilize stomach acids).
* Do not lay down or sleep at least 2-3 hours after meals. Food tends to back up into your esophagus when you lie down after a meal. Keep in mind that when you lie down, acid can move up into the esophagus more easily, so wait at least two to three hours after you eat to lie down. It also helps if you elevate your head while in bed.
Try changing your diet by reducing items that might trigger acid reflux. Triggers include sodas, onions, tomatoes, citrus fruits, alcoholic drinks (for those who drink), and high fat foods. Try reintroducing these items to find out what triggers your acid reflux. Keep a food diary or just jot it down on your calendar and note down changes in your health.
Stress seems to always cause some type of problem. Believe it or not, stress may increase stomach acid production or keep acid in the stomach longer. It depends on how you react to stress or manage your stress. Do you eat comfort foods, smoke cigarettes, or drink alcohol? Fortunately, there are things you can do to manage stress and the acid reflux disease symptoms it can cause. Practice stress management on an ongoing basis. Try the following:
* Breathe deeply from your abdomen not your chest.
* Exercise, stretch to release tension on various parts of your body.
* Stay positive, remember everything has a positive side, even if it is just a lesson to be learned.
* Quit smoking if you do. I never smoked, so it was not an issue.
I hope and pray my own experience will help someone today. Please remember to do your research.
Fibro Viv
Thursday, July 24, 2008
What is a healthy healing in refection?
Hello Everyone,
Today I found an interesting question on one of my community sites. Here is what was asked: In your opinion or basing from your experiences, what is healthy healing in reflection? I found myself thinking about the question and decided to share my answer on my site as well as on blogcatalog.com.
In my point of view, the following technique is a good way to reflect in a healthy way:
- an individual must first decide to choose a specific time to reflect,
- be specific about what you want to focus on,
- think about one challenge (issue) at a time,
- determine what you want and decide if it is realistic,
- be open and non-judgmental,
- realize the answer to your questions or issues may require sharing your feelings with another individual,
- if you have a difficult time expressing your feelings with another individual, write them down on paper,
- if you shared your feelings with someone, reaffirm your respect for their opinion and end on a positive tone.
This technique or strategies enables an individual to establish an atmosphere of cooperative problem-solving and/or reflection.
I hope and pray this post has helped someone today.
Fibro Viv
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
The Consequence of Chronic Stress
Hello Everyone,
I feel the need to take the time to post something today because I believe it is very important to keep this information on hand and remind yourself at least twice a month. Place it where you know you will see it and remind yourself about the consequence of chronic stress.
Chronic stress weakens our immune system and increases the risk of coming down with a range of illnesses. This could be heart disease, high blood pressure, depression, among other illnesses. If you are already dealing with a chronic illness, you must try not to stress out. I know it is easier said than done, based on my own experience. Stress can be toxic, if you let it take over.
What can stress drive people to do? A person can eat too much or too little, sleep too much or too little, stop exercise or stretching routines, and can also cause an individual to not have any fun in their lives.
Some stress is necessary to survive because just a little stress can help an individual get focused, improve memory and heighten their emotions. Stress responses within an individual causes them to swing into action or better yet, react in a way that can help. The key is to find the balance and understand the need, but not to make it toxic.
As I think about my life within the past few months, I have had family illnesses, hospital trips, doctor and pharmacy visits that were necessary and I had stress. I was dealing with trying to keep my family healthy, laundry, housekeeping, cooking and not to mention the cost of all the medical requirements within my own home. Yes, this has caused me to stress.
How have I dealt with it? I accepted what was happening without question, and just tried to complete each task as it came up. If I allowed my emotions to get out of control, my stress could become toxic and my pain would increase. Somehow, God gave me the strength I needed to deal with everything I needed to do.
I could start feeling guilty about not posting on my sites, but then I practiced self-talk and told myself everything would work out. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot be everything to everyone, and be there for everyone. I am in control of my own feelings and thoughts and I must only allow good thoughts to take over my emotions.
I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, mother-in-law, aunt, grandmother, and friend. However, I know I cannot be there for all of them. I have my limitations and I must understand them and accept them.
I pray this post and my own personal experience has helped someone today.
Fibro Viv
I feel the need to take the time to post something today because I believe it is very important to keep this information on hand and remind yourself at least twice a month. Place it where you know you will see it and remind yourself about the consequence of chronic stress.
The Consequence of Chronic Stress
Chronic stress weakens our immune system and increases the risk of coming down with a range of illnesses. This could be heart disease, high blood pressure, depression, among other illnesses. If you are already dealing with a chronic illness, you must try not to stress out. I know it is easier said than done, based on my own experience. Stress can be toxic, if you let it take over.
What can stress drive people to do? A person can eat too much or too little, sleep too much or too little, stop exercise or stretching routines, and can also cause an individual to not have any fun in their lives.
Some stress is necessary to survive because just a little stress can help an individual get focused, improve memory and heighten their emotions. Stress responses within an individual causes them to swing into action or better yet, react in a way that can help. The key is to find the balance and understand the need, but not to make it toxic.
As I think about my life within the past few months, I have had family illnesses, hospital trips, doctor and pharmacy visits that were necessary and I had stress. I was dealing with trying to keep my family healthy, laundry, housekeeping, cooking and not to mention the cost of all the medical requirements within my own home. Yes, this has caused me to stress.
How have I dealt with it? I accepted what was happening without question, and just tried to complete each task as it came up. If I allowed my emotions to get out of control, my stress could become toxic and my pain would increase. Somehow, God gave me the strength I needed to deal with everything I needed to do.
I could start feeling guilty about not posting on my sites, but then I practiced self-talk and told myself everything would work out. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot be everything to everyone, and be there for everyone. I am in control of my own feelings and thoughts and I must only allow good thoughts to take over my emotions.
I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, mother-in-law, aunt, grandmother, and friend. However, I know I cannot be there for all of them. I have my limitations and I must understand them and accept them.
I pray this post and my own personal experience has helped someone today.
Fibro Viv
Friday, November 23, 2007
How I Deal?
Everyday we face challenges and have the opportunity to embrace them with a negative or positive attitude. I deal with my pain and fatigue by thinking about how this illness has changed my life and why I try to continue to invest myself in other peoples’ life.
It makes me feel better to share information and answer questions. I am being selfish by doing this. Why do I say that? Because it feels good to have people write and tell me they like reading my blog, it helps my self-esteem.
People with chronic illnesses have to find a way to make themselves feel better. I guess this is my way of feeling better about myself and in the process I pray I am helping others.
My goal now is to share how to view our illness in a positive way. God has chosen us to take on this challenge and it is up to us to make peace with it and then transcend all our emotions and feelings with a full understanding of what his plan is. I believe he wanted me to share my own experience, share tools and information. I wanted to go into social work my first year in college. As soon as I was given cases to work on, my empathy was too strong and I could not help anyone without crying. That was the end of that dream.
While I enjoyed my career and found it to be a great learning experience, I wasn’t doing what I originally wanted to do. So, maybe this is God’s way of granting me the opportunity to help others. Here are some questions to ask yourself and I would like others to give me feedback.
1). Has this illness changed my personality?
2). I know I had to make lifestyle changes? Would they have happened for another reason? Perhaps due to age, wisdom or life experiences?
3). Am I accepting my path in life?
4). The choice is mine, am I embracing this illness and learning to think about all the other great miracles in my life? I do have many things to be grateful for, so am I focusing on those things? If not? Why not?
I hope and pray that my babbling today has helped someone today. Please respond and give me feedback.
Fibro Viv
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Lord I Feel So Alone
I am sharing another song/poem I wrote when I was feeling down and alone. This will be the first time I share this with anyone. I hope and pray it helps someone today.
Lord I Feel So Alone
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
I try to keep my faith in you,
But yes I do have a day where I feel so alone.
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
I try to feel normal and smile each day,
Feeling so helpless within myself,
Yes, I do have a day where I feel so alone,
Yes, I do have support and love all around,
Yet, they do not feel the pain as I do.
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
You send your Shepard's my way to help,
This is what keeps me sane.
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
My family and friends are there sometimes,
Yet they do not feel my pain,
They say I look great and I smile at them,
I wish I could tell them I felt that great.
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
Like a clown hiding behind a happy face,
I feel like I am deceiving everyone,
Trying to keep my faith in you,
I feel I am deceiving you too,
Asking my family and friends to keep their faith,
Yet sometimes I feel so alone.
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
Please help me feel my faith again,
Please help me practice what I preach each day,
Yet I feel so alone.
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
You send small miracles down my way,
That is what keeps me sane.
I want to feel normal again someday,
I want to help people who feel my pain,
So I ask, is this what you had in mind?
Will I reach my goal to help others too?
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
Please help me push myself each day,
Helping others feel no pain,
Most of all help me stop feeling this way,
Lord I feel so alone.
Viviana
Lord I Feel So Alone
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
I try to keep my faith in you,
But yes I do have a day where I feel so alone.
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
I try to feel normal and smile each day,
Feeling so helpless within myself,
Yes, I do have a day where I feel so alone,
Yes, I do have support and love all around,
Yet, they do not feel the pain as I do.
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
You send your Shepard's my way to help,
This is what keeps me sane.
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
My family and friends are there sometimes,
Yet they do not feel my pain,
They say I look great and I smile at them,
I wish I could tell them I felt that great.
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
Like a clown hiding behind a happy face,
I feel like I am deceiving everyone,
Trying to keep my faith in you,
I feel I am deceiving you too,
Asking my family and friends to keep their faith,
Yet sometimes I feel so alone.
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
Please help me feel my faith again,
Please help me practice what I preach each day,
Yet I feel so alone.
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
You send small miracles down my way,
That is what keeps me sane.
I want to feel normal again someday,
I want to help people who feel my pain,
So I ask, is this what you had in mind?
Will I reach my goal to help others too?
Lord I feel so alone,
Trapped in this body of pain,
Please help me push myself each day,
Helping others feel no pain,
Most of all help me stop feeling this way,
Lord I feel so alone.
Viviana
Copyright Viviana Walters @http://fibroviv.com/
Saturday, September 08, 2007
LORD TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY
One day when I was truly feeling my pain and almost lost my faith in God, I wrote this poem. Just know that you never have to loose your faith. God is always with us. I expressed my pain, wrote the poem and felt better:) So read on.....
Lord Take My Pain Away
Lord take my pain away
I am begging that you set me free
I cannot take it anymore
Please take the pain away
If only I could find a way
To continue with this pain
I cannot take it anymore
Please take the pain away
I know I must continue on
For my family and my friends
I cannot take it anymore
Please take the pain away
I am grateful for my life
I know I am so blessed
Yet I want to ask again
Please take the pain away
Help me find the strength I need
For my family and my friends
I cannot take it anymore
Please take the pain away
Viviana Walters
Copyright ©2007 Viviana Walters
By Fibro Viv
Copyright FibroViv @http://fibroviv.blogspot.com/
NOTE: I hope and pray someone can understand the pain I was in and how I felt. I know we all go through this. It just helps me to share and pray that it helps someone out there!:)
Lord Take My Pain Away
Lord take my pain away
I am begging that you set me free
I cannot take it anymore
Please take the pain away
If only I could find a way
To continue with this pain
I cannot take it anymore
Please take the pain away
I know I must continue on
For my family and my friends
I cannot take it anymore
Please take the pain away
I am grateful for my life
I know I am so blessed
Yet I want to ask again
Please take the pain away
Help me find the strength I need
For my family and my friends
I cannot take it anymore
Please take the pain away
Viviana Walters
Copyright ©2007 Viviana Walters
By Fibro Viv
Copyright FibroViv @http://fibroviv.blogspot.com/
NOTE: I hope and pray someone can understand the pain I was in and how I felt. I know we all go through this. It just helps me to share and pray that it helps someone out there!:)
Monday, June 11, 2007
My own experience with CFIDS/FMS
What my Illness is doing to me
I have been experiencing abnormal exhaustion, debilitation, and have even been incapacitated.
I wake up in extreme pain and sometimes my legs, arms and feet are cramped up. My husband grabs my all temp therapy pack and goes to the kitchen to warm it up. He wraps it around a towel and places it beneath my lower back. Meanwhile, I try to move my body into a side position so he can insert the therapy pack underneath me. He gives me my morphine and I lay there waiting for the medication to take the edge off the pain. I also take Provigil for alertness. I am currently taking two tablets of 200MG in the morning. I have had to increase it to three and I am still having problems staying alert and I am lethargic.
At some point I sit up with the help of my husband and then I rest, then he walks me to the bathroom. I later go stand by the nearby sink and rest, then brush my teeth. My husband runs my bathwater and helps me in and out of the tub. I am exhausted after I have taken my bath or shower and require help getting dressed. Then I head back to bed. When I wake up I do not feel like I have rested, I feel exhausted. My husband tries to speak to me and I cannot stay awake very long. The Provigil helped when I first started taking it, but it is not working anymore.
I stay in my bedroom and rest. I am very sensitive to noise and light. I cannot even remember the last time I saw any type of movie or show on television. My concentration is bad, my memory is getting worse. When I did work, I worked at home and rested and slept, nothing else. My entire week-ends were spent sleeping and taking medications so I could have enough strength to work during the week. I can not even get up enough energy to look for work or update my resume. My sister is typing this memo for me. It has taken us a long time to type it because I loose my thoughts. When I know I have to go to the doctor, I make sure I rest in bed all day long for several days before the appointment and only get up to take a bath and brush my teeth. I sleep the rest up until it is time to get to the appointment. Most days I stay in bed and rest and nap a lot.
I do not go out anywhere. My family has to come to my house to visit me and my friends call, but I get tired easily, so I do not talk very long. When I first got ill my husband had to buy me very small and light purses that I could carry my pills in because I do not have the strength to carry much.
When I am in bed I do try lifting my arms, legs, turn my toes up and sometimes my husband places a long bed massage mat so my circulation starts up. I do try to move but I just do not have the energy or strength.
Do you know what it feels like to have the flu? That is how I feel all of the time. I also run a low grade fever, have a sore throat the majority of the time. I get the chills for no reason. I get hot, I get cold, it is very weird. At different times of the day and night different parts of my body go numb. Some areas feel like I am on fire. A burning sensation on the inside and yet it is numb because I cannot lift my leg or arm. My hands, arms, stomach, back, bottom, thighs, calf’s and feet go to sleep on me. If they are not asleep, they are cramping and I get knots on different parts of my body. The knots are obvious where people can see them. They look like a ball under the skin and slowly go down with massaging or just leaving it alone. One knot on my ankle once stayed there for over a week.
I cannot remember the last time I did any type of housework. I try to help by asking my husband or children to drop the clean underclothes or towels on the bed by me and I will fold them. It takes me a long time, but I do it. There have been times I was unable to do it because I was just too exhausted.
My bones also hurt around my fingers, joints, knees, feet and ankles. My ankles get swollen a lot. I stopped drinking anything but water to stop the water retention. It still does not work.
I have continual nausea and take nizatidine for acid reflux. Sometimes I will not eat because my stomach cramps and is very tender. I get an upset stomach before I have to go to the bathroom and then the cramping and pain is sometimes very painful. I go from being constipated to having diarrhea, then I improve and the cycle starts again.
I have tried eating different foods to figure out what might help me and what gets me ill. I forget and end up in trouble again. I tried keeping a journal but would forget to write things down, so I stopped. My writing was also getting so bad, nobody could read it, not even myself.
Headaches are always there, the severity varies, but I have them daily. The pain is on my temples and forehead and on top of my head. The inside of my ears itch a lot. Sometimes I get sharp pains in my ear. The doctor has checked my ears, they look fine. I just do not understand all of these things happening to me.
I have broken out in rashes from the medications I take and changed medications and also have cream to rub on my rash. When I go out to the doctor my arms get red and a rash. I cannot go out without getting some type of rash.
I cannot stand or sit for long periods of time. I get exhausted and very fatigue. I feel incoherent at times and also have panic attacks. I take medication for the panic attacks.
I also have a slur to my speech because I am too exhausted to speak. My husband tries to ask me a question and I try to answer, but I just cannot keep my eyes open and I cannot speak or wake up. I also suffer from dizziness and feel clumsy. I have gained weight from the paxil I take and from inactivity. My hunger is very unbalanced. Sometimes I cannot eat enough, other times I have no interest in food. My husband tries to make sure I eat and drink more than 8 ounces of water.
My eyesight has gotten worse. I need a new prescription because my glasses broke when I dropped them on the pavement going to the car to go to the doctor. I cannot afford a new pair of glasses, so I use reading glasses.
I have to ask people to repeat what they say to me because I cannot grasp what they have said. Sometimes I cannot even understand what they are saying. I have always had problems hearing, but never trouble understanding a word or trying to make out what they are doing. Does that make sense? I constantly ask what day it is and what month we are in.
There are times I am focused and can talk intelligently but then there are times I am confused, forgetful and cannot even remember what I want to say. I forget names, places and past times. It is especially bad when I am having a very bad day and when I am very very fatigue.
Before I got sick, I could have a conversation on the telephone, answer the person next to me when they interrupted, and listen to my other staff members conversations and tell them when they are stating something wrong about a transaction or activity they are planning. I would also have a programmer sitting in front of me asking me questions, I could jump from one conversation to another without forgetting anything! My staff was amazed, I thought nothing of it. Now there are times I cannot even focus on one thing at a time. I get what they call Fibro Fog. I try to kid about it, but it upsets me and saddens me because I am no longer the person I was.
I remember one time when I was trying to work and I was facilitating a teleconference meeting, I started to introduce the people in the room and stared at them blankly. I could not remember their name, they softly said their name to me, one at a time, I literally could not remember anyone’s name, I ended up saying “Oh, and I believe I am almost here mentally, please forgive my pace, I will try to speed up the meeting”. I was so embarrassed and after the meeting I told my boss and staff I was having a Fibro Fog moment. My boss expressed his concern and asked me if I needed to go home and rest. I said no, I just had a fibro fog moment, it will not happen again. I did not sleep well last night. I have been fighting this illness and trying to pretend it does not exist. That it is temporary. Well it is not and I am getting worse. I am not happy about filing for disability, but I cannot honestly function effectively anymore.
I have posted this so people can understand what we experience due to this illness. It is not pleasant. Share this post with your family and maybe they will understand.
I pray and hope this information has helped someone today.
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
I have been experiencing abnormal exhaustion, debilitation, and have even been incapacitated.
I wake up in extreme pain and sometimes my legs, arms and feet are cramped up. My husband grabs my all temp therapy pack and goes to the kitchen to warm it up. He wraps it around a towel and places it beneath my lower back. Meanwhile, I try to move my body into a side position so he can insert the therapy pack underneath me. He gives me my morphine and I lay there waiting for the medication to take the edge off the pain. I also take Provigil for alertness. I am currently taking two tablets of 200MG in the morning. I have had to increase it to three and I am still having problems staying alert and I am lethargic.
At some point I sit up with the help of my husband and then I rest, then he walks me to the bathroom. I later go stand by the nearby sink and rest, then brush my teeth. My husband runs my bathwater and helps me in and out of the tub. I am exhausted after I have taken my bath or shower and require help getting dressed. Then I head back to bed. When I wake up I do not feel like I have rested, I feel exhausted. My husband tries to speak to me and I cannot stay awake very long. The Provigil helped when I first started taking it, but it is not working anymore.
I stay in my bedroom and rest. I am very sensitive to noise and light. I cannot even remember the last time I saw any type of movie or show on television. My concentration is bad, my memory is getting worse. When I did work, I worked at home and rested and slept, nothing else. My entire week-ends were spent sleeping and taking medications so I could have enough strength to work during the week. I can not even get up enough energy to look for work or update my resume. My sister is typing this memo for me. It has taken us a long time to type it because I loose my thoughts. When I know I have to go to the doctor, I make sure I rest in bed all day long for several days before the appointment and only get up to take a bath and brush my teeth. I sleep the rest up until it is time to get to the appointment. Most days I stay in bed and rest and nap a lot.
I do not go out anywhere. My family has to come to my house to visit me and my friends call, but I get tired easily, so I do not talk very long. When I first got ill my husband had to buy me very small and light purses that I could carry my pills in because I do not have the strength to carry much.
When I am in bed I do try lifting my arms, legs, turn my toes up and sometimes my husband places a long bed massage mat so my circulation starts up. I do try to move but I just do not have the energy or strength.
Do you know what it feels like to have the flu? That is how I feel all of the time. I also run a low grade fever, have a sore throat the majority of the time. I get the chills for no reason. I get hot, I get cold, it is very weird. At different times of the day and night different parts of my body go numb. Some areas feel like I am on fire. A burning sensation on the inside and yet it is numb because I cannot lift my leg or arm. My hands, arms, stomach, back, bottom, thighs, calf’s and feet go to sleep on me. If they are not asleep, they are cramping and I get knots on different parts of my body. The knots are obvious where people can see them. They look like a ball under the skin and slowly go down with massaging or just leaving it alone. One knot on my ankle once stayed there for over a week.
I cannot remember the last time I did any type of housework. I try to help by asking my husband or children to drop the clean underclothes or towels on the bed by me and I will fold them. It takes me a long time, but I do it. There have been times I was unable to do it because I was just too exhausted.
My bones also hurt around my fingers, joints, knees, feet and ankles. My ankles get swollen a lot. I stopped drinking anything but water to stop the water retention. It still does not work.
I have continual nausea and take nizatidine for acid reflux. Sometimes I will not eat because my stomach cramps and is very tender. I get an upset stomach before I have to go to the bathroom and then the cramping and pain is sometimes very painful. I go from being constipated to having diarrhea, then I improve and the cycle starts again.
I have tried eating different foods to figure out what might help me and what gets me ill. I forget and end up in trouble again. I tried keeping a journal but would forget to write things down, so I stopped. My writing was also getting so bad, nobody could read it, not even myself.
Headaches are always there, the severity varies, but I have them daily. The pain is on my temples and forehead and on top of my head. The inside of my ears itch a lot. Sometimes I get sharp pains in my ear. The doctor has checked my ears, they look fine. I just do not understand all of these things happening to me.
I have broken out in rashes from the medications I take and changed medications and also have cream to rub on my rash. When I go out to the doctor my arms get red and a rash. I cannot go out without getting some type of rash.
I cannot stand or sit for long periods of time. I get exhausted and very fatigue. I feel incoherent at times and also have panic attacks. I take medication for the panic attacks.
I also have a slur to my speech because I am too exhausted to speak. My husband tries to ask me a question and I try to answer, but I just cannot keep my eyes open and I cannot speak or wake up. I also suffer from dizziness and feel clumsy. I have gained weight from the paxil I take and from inactivity. My hunger is very unbalanced. Sometimes I cannot eat enough, other times I have no interest in food. My husband tries to make sure I eat and drink more than 8 ounces of water.
My eyesight has gotten worse. I need a new prescription because my glasses broke when I dropped them on the pavement going to the car to go to the doctor. I cannot afford a new pair of glasses, so I use reading glasses.
I have to ask people to repeat what they say to me because I cannot grasp what they have said. Sometimes I cannot even understand what they are saying. I have always had problems hearing, but never trouble understanding a word or trying to make out what they are doing. Does that make sense? I constantly ask what day it is and what month we are in.
There are times I am focused and can talk intelligently but then there are times I am confused, forgetful and cannot even remember what I want to say. I forget names, places and past times. It is especially bad when I am having a very bad day and when I am very very fatigue.
Before I got sick, I could have a conversation on the telephone, answer the person next to me when they interrupted, and listen to my other staff members conversations and tell them when they are stating something wrong about a transaction or activity they are planning. I would also have a programmer sitting in front of me asking me questions, I could jump from one conversation to another without forgetting anything! My staff was amazed, I thought nothing of it. Now there are times I cannot even focus on one thing at a time. I get what they call Fibro Fog. I try to kid about it, but it upsets me and saddens me because I am no longer the person I was.
I remember one time when I was trying to work and I was facilitating a teleconference meeting, I started to introduce the people in the room and stared at them blankly. I could not remember their name, they softly said their name to me, one at a time, I literally could not remember anyone’s name, I ended up saying “Oh, and I believe I am almost here mentally, please forgive my pace, I will try to speed up the meeting”. I was so embarrassed and after the meeting I told my boss and staff I was having a Fibro Fog moment. My boss expressed his concern and asked me if I needed to go home and rest. I said no, I just had a fibro fog moment, it will not happen again. I did not sleep well last night. I have been fighting this illness and trying to pretend it does not exist. That it is temporary. Well it is not and I am getting worse. I am not happy about filing for disability, but I cannot honestly function effectively anymore.
I have posted this so people can understand what we experience due to this illness. It is not pleasant. Share this post with your family and maybe they will understand.
I pray and hope this information has helped someone today.
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
Monday, May 21, 2007
THINGS I DO
THINGS I DO
Sometimes I am in the mood to sit back and do nothing, I say, "Why not?"! Appearances can seem misleading, I may not look busy on the outside, I may be processing a lot inside. It can be overwhelming to try to retain and use all the knowledge a person absorbs. So I just relax and concentrate on what is most important at this very moment in my life. I have to tackle any self-doubts I have by convincing myself that I can do it. Taking a good look at myself may be scary. I actually profit a great deal by discovering I do have something to offer. Take the time to think about what I have offered and what I may have time to offer, my gift in life, support, and any knowledge that may be helpful.
If I feel very sentimental but can't quite put my finger on why, I think about that nostalgic tone within me that calls out to me like a sweet, soft song. I try looking back on my past for clues on how to solve a dilemma. I could remember a lesson I learned in the past, it may help me immensely. Then I remind myself that I do have something to offer and share with people. People who are willing to listen. I know it may sound like I am repeating myself. Sometimes we have to repeat to ourselves that "we do have something to offer someone somewhere."
The quality of time spent alone can be excellent if you cherish peace, some quiet time, and make the most of it. Due to my chronic illness, I have had more time to spend alone. I know there are people that wish they had that time. Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes the harsh reality of having that time can be haunting and lonely. Make it part of your daily life to keep in touch with someone.
When my mental energy is riding high -- it's time to tackle overdue projects. It seems like a great day to do things on my own without worrying about what others expect from me. However, these days there are not many people that expect much from me. Sad, but true. I am no stranger to courage and I take pride in my appearance and my warm personality. I also like expressing my personal authority, that used to open some new doors for people and change certain peoples opinions on various subject matters. In my own personal involvements I know I must learn to nurture myself as well. This is part of my healing process.
Make an effort to do some type of self-help activity daily. It will make you and maybe someone else feel better!
I pray and hope this post has helped someone today!:)
FibroViv
Sometimes I am in the mood to sit back and do nothing, I say, "Why not?"! Appearances can seem misleading, I may not look busy on the outside, I may be processing a lot inside. It can be overwhelming to try to retain and use all the knowledge a person absorbs. So I just relax and concentrate on what is most important at this very moment in my life. I have to tackle any self-doubts I have by convincing myself that I can do it. Taking a good look at myself may be scary. I actually profit a great deal by discovering I do have something to offer. Take the time to think about what I have offered and what I may have time to offer, my gift in life, support, and any knowledge that may be helpful.
If I feel very sentimental but can't quite put my finger on why, I think about that nostalgic tone within me that calls out to me like a sweet, soft song. I try looking back on my past for clues on how to solve a dilemma. I could remember a lesson I learned in the past, it may help me immensely. Then I remind myself that I do have something to offer and share with people. People who are willing to listen. I know it may sound like I am repeating myself. Sometimes we have to repeat to ourselves that "we do have something to offer someone somewhere."
The quality of time spent alone can be excellent if you cherish peace, some quiet time, and make the most of it. Due to my chronic illness, I have had more time to spend alone. I know there are people that wish they had that time. Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes the harsh reality of having that time can be haunting and lonely. Make it part of your daily life to keep in touch with someone.
When my mental energy is riding high -- it's time to tackle overdue projects. It seems like a great day to do things on my own without worrying about what others expect from me. However, these days there are not many people that expect much from me. Sad, but true. I am no stranger to courage and I take pride in my appearance and my warm personality. I also like expressing my personal authority, that used to open some new doors for people and change certain peoples opinions on various subject matters. In my own personal involvements I know I must learn to nurture myself as well. This is part of my healing process.
Make an effort to do some type of self-help activity daily. It will make you and maybe someone else feel better!
I pray and hope this post has helped someone today!:)
FibroViv
Saturday, May 19, 2007
HOW DOES ONE SURVIVE
When you have some emotional distance time, find ways to improve things that really bug you. Planning your actions or reactions will help you think clearer and feel better. I remember times when my desk at home was messy and instead of dealing with it, I let the clutter and mess bother me. Since I did not deal with it, what happened? It got worse. The key was to place my emotional thoughts on hold and specifically think about what I could do to make it better. One day at a time, even a few minutes, hours, whatever I could handle given my energy level. I stopped placing so much of my emotional feeling towards any negative thoughts I had towards trying to achieve a clean desk. These are a few of the things I used:
* Positive affirmations
* Visualization
* When I felt like it, I had my niece come over and help me clean it up.
* Plan or map out a half day, a day, week, whenever...I just took advantage of celestial energies and thought about what it was I was trying to accomplish. I felt better just visualizing my dreams and plans.
* Clear plastic containers
* Labels that helped keep my files or papers organized.
I planned it out and did not feel guilty about not having the energy to accomplish it on that given date. My recommendation is to give yourself a break. I instantly felt better even before I had my niece come over because I planned it out.
Try to examine any emotional problems or tensions from an objective point of view. If you have disagreements with others -- patch things up. It lifts your spirit and releases bad energy. Personally, I have found my pain level is worse around any type of tension.
If you take the time to kick back, relax, and pamper yourself you will feel better. Remember that you deserve it. Do not beat yourself up because you cannot complete as many things as you used to be able to do. This was a big step for me and very hard to accept.
I hope and pray this post has helped someone today. Have a pain free day.
Fibro Viv
* Positive affirmations
* Visualization
* When I felt like it, I had my niece come over and help me clean it up.
* Plan or map out a half day, a day, week, whenever...I just took advantage of celestial energies and thought about what it was I was trying to accomplish. I felt better just visualizing my dreams and plans.
* Clear plastic containers
* Labels that helped keep my files or papers organized.
I planned it out and did not feel guilty about not having the energy to accomplish it on that given date. My recommendation is to give yourself a break. I instantly felt better even before I had my niece come over because I planned it out.
Try to examine any emotional problems or tensions from an objective point of view. If you have disagreements with others -- patch things up. It lifts your spirit and releases bad energy. Personally, I have found my pain level is worse around any type of tension.
If you take the time to kick back, relax, and pamper yourself you will feel better. Remember that you deserve it. Do not beat yourself up because you cannot complete as many things as you used to be able to do. This was a big step for me and very hard to accept.
I hope and pray this post has helped someone today. Have a pain free day.
Fibro Viv
Visualize, Dream, Take Care of Yourself
WRITE DOWN YOUR DREAMS AND THOUGHTS AND VISUALIZE YOURSELF SUCCEEDING IN LIFE AND IN GREAT HEALTH.
Remind yourself of your blessings. Think of your happy memories, such as:
The day you were married
Quiet long bath
Pampering yourself
Sharing your faith
Lunch with a friend or family member
Your favorite time in a day or month or in your past
As you do these things, visualize your dreams, meditate and never forget to smile. Remembering your past experiences and how blessed you were to experience them can be very calming and create a smile on your face. Try it.
Try to discuss your hopes and dreams for your life with your partner, family member or friend. Remember to discuss your concerns and do not be afraid to share your thoughts with the people that are close to you. You might even try sharing those thoughts with strangers.
Think of a place and time where you can feel like you are comfortable enough to have these discussions.
THINGS TO DO FOR YOURSELF
1). Think about starting up or joining a class or group that discusses any topics you enjoy. Sharing and expressing is a great experience.
2). Create a list of what is wonderful about where you are, plans, losing your fears, getting older and what you like about yourself. Make an effort to do this daily.
3). Write down where you are at this point in your life and where you want to be, date it three or six months from that date. Place it in your calendar (when you want to open it), you will find that you have accomplished some of those dreams.
4). Write down your dreams and even cut out pictures from a magazine of objects, miscellaneous items and people that look happy. It might help you see what to aim for.
5). Take advantage of keeping a Personal Journal. I have found that I am more appreciative of what I have, what I have accomplished and where I am now. Take it to heart and be proud of yourself.
6). Consider changing your diet to fit your body’s needs...healthy eating and drinking water.
7). Check the different websites or magazines available to you with recommended diets for Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue.
I hope and pray that this post has helped someone today.
Everything on this site copyright Viv Walters
Thursday, May 17, 2007
GUIDANCE
Thinking back about how I formed my technique and values on life and work, I acknowledge my parents, acquaintances, brother, sister’s and friends. Whether we want to admit it or not we spend time studying people, their mannerisms, movements and what intrigues us about them. We start to create our own character and personality by simply deciding what we like or dislike about people. Their strength, weakness, voice, mannerism, communication, the way they dress, and how they carry on. We all have lessons to learn from each individual we come into contact with. I love spending time watching people, their reactions to situations, their interactions with different types of people or situations they encounter.
I sit back listen carefully, study their behavior and then think about how I behave or what I want to change. I decide I like how a certain individual handled a situation or treated a person. Or I might not like what I see and hear. It is from those experiences that I encourage myself to act, mimic or try to understand the behavior I like or dislike. I study them carefully, watch their behavior. Does it fit my personality or is it something I would like to see in myself? Then I try to practice what I believe is an acceptable style and behavior. Of course a lot of what I may be viewing or accepting might have come from my own up bringing. My parents. One of the key things I believe people need to understand and accept in their development is what feels comfortable to them. What is acceptable to them. Plan it out, act it out, and see if it fits in with what you believe in. Our parents play a large role in our personality, behavior, but in the end we make up our minds to become and act as we please. They cannot control your thoughts, emotions, and make you be a devout Catholic, Baptist, etc. We are all influenced by parts of other people and ultimately decide what path to take. It is your ultimate choice.
I believe God deals us a deck of cards, or gives us our own cross to bear. That gift is something he believes we can handle. They are not always pleasant or easy. It is up to us to make the best of what comes our way and learn to share that experience. Try to remember that we are here to help people, learn lessons and carry them out the best we can. The key is to remember that integrity is being on the inside what you profess to be on the outside.
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
I sit back listen carefully, study their behavior and then think about how I behave or what I want to change. I decide I like how a certain individual handled a situation or treated a person. Or I might not like what I see and hear. It is from those experiences that I encourage myself to act, mimic or try to understand the behavior I like or dislike. I study them carefully, watch their behavior. Does it fit my personality or is it something I would like to see in myself? Then I try to practice what I believe is an acceptable style and behavior. Of course a lot of what I may be viewing or accepting might have come from my own up bringing. My parents. One of the key things I believe people need to understand and accept in their development is what feels comfortable to them. What is acceptable to them. Plan it out, act it out, and see if it fits in with what you believe in. Our parents play a large role in our personality, behavior, but in the end we make up our minds to become and act as we please. They cannot control your thoughts, emotions, and make you be a devout Catholic, Baptist, etc. We are all influenced by parts of other people and ultimately decide what path to take. It is your ultimate choice.
I believe God deals us a deck of cards, or gives us our own cross to bear. That gift is something he believes we can handle. They are not always pleasant or easy. It is up to us to make the best of what comes our way and learn to share that experience. Try to remember that we are here to help people, learn lessons and carry them out the best we can. The key is to remember that integrity is being on the inside what you profess to be on the outside.
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
REMISSION, WHAT IS THAT?
I wrote this on July 11, 2004
As of today I have yet to experience remission. I will admit I told my doctor, family and friends I felt better and thought I was on the road to remission. I was trying to convince myself I was in remission. Mind over matter. It has not worked for me, but I pray it will someday soon. I keep trying to ignore my pain, but it is not easy.
Sometimes I find myself searching for someone who feels my pain. Nobody likes to be alone. Some will admit it, others will be brave..or do they act brave? Why is every part of my body hurting? Maybe I am just out of my mind?
When it rains, my body aches, I keep trying to fight it. I do not know how I will do, but I know I am not alone. Day after day another ache within my body, but I keep moving. I wonder how long I can go without giving in and sleeping it off. There is hope in the darkness, you hope you will make it. The time is sometimes slow, sometimes fast. I think about how I will deal with it today. I used to see sky of blue and clouds of white...now I think to myself what I am I going to do? I would like to get away for awhile. I think about everything. I don’t see or recognize this person I have become. I do not talk about my pain because I do not want pity nor do I want people to look sad. I keep trying to convince myself to keep my chin up. I cannot believe what these past seven years have been like. Have I decided that I must meet certain expectations, nurture and accept what I believe is expected of me as a wife, mother, sister and friend?
Today I realize once again that I am not able to work and it pains me to admit it. I have completed a two week period of temporary work. Each day I came home, changed into comfortable clothes or my sleepwear and went straight to bed. My body required extra rest. By the last day I was in so much pain, fatigue and I wanted to cry. Cry because I could see the mistakes I made, my memory loss, forgetfulness and the poor quality I produced. As much as I love people and helping them, I am saddened by my inability to consistently help them. Our family needed the money, I needed to feel like I could accomplish something and we had a negative balance in our bank account with no food to speak of. My new earning would not amount to much however, it was going to help. I ended up in so much pain the morphine had no affect on me. I came straight home to bed and laid there crying because I felt helpless, worthless and powerless. I did not tell my family I was crying myself to sleep. My husband checked on me and asked what was wrong with the one eye he could see, I just told him it was irritated from the pollen. I did not want to burden him with my own insecure feelings. I was overwhelmed by my guilt of not being able to provide for my family. My husband and sons are so supportive and loving. I want to give them so much. I want to help my sick elderly Mother who has suffered and given so much of herself to our family. My brother who has worked so hard and has yet to reach the peak of happiness, his own marriage and family. My younger sister who has suffered and struggled and my oldest sister who has always been the one to rescue us all, though she has her share of problems. I ask myself what lesson is it that I have yet to learn? I have tried to help people, been an advocate for those I felt were mistreated. I have helped some express their feelings and special needs. I have enjoyed and felt blessed to meet the people at the Opportunity Center, the Teacher’s, Principle, Social Worker’s and most of all the Student’s. The Student’s have touched my heart and given me so much of themselves by sharing their experiences, troubles, and success. May God help them all.
I almost felt peppy, lively... I was back again! Yet I am here...in bed again. Those precious moments of contributing, sharing... now seems like a long time ago. It was emotionally draining, but I enjoyed the opportunity I was given. I feel blessed yet I feel inadequate because of this miserable illness. God help me accept this illness and stop dreaming of the unattainable I have tried so many times to change. Nobody can say I have not tried to fight this illness.
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
As of today I have yet to experience remission. I will admit I told my doctor, family and friends I felt better and thought I was on the road to remission. I was trying to convince myself I was in remission. Mind over matter. It has not worked for me, but I pray it will someday soon. I keep trying to ignore my pain, but it is not easy.
Sometimes I find myself searching for someone who feels my pain. Nobody likes to be alone. Some will admit it, others will be brave..or do they act brave? Why is every part of my body hurting? Maybe I am just out of my mind?
When it rains, my body aches, I keep trying to fight it. I do not know how I will do, but I know I am not alone. Day after day another ache within my body, but I keep moving. I wonder how long I can go without giving in and sleeping it off. There is hope in the darkness, you hope you will make it. The time is sometimes slow, sometimes fast. I think about how I will deal with it today. I used to see sky of blue and clouds of white...now I think to myself what I am I going to do? I would like to get away for awhile. I think about everything. I don’t see or recognize this person I have become. I do not talk about my pain because I do not want pity nor do I want people to look sad. I keep trying to convince myself to keep my chin up. I cannot believe what these past seven years have been like. Have I decided that I must meet certain expectations, nurture and accept what I believe is expected of me as a wife, mother, sister and friend?
Today I realize once again that I am not able to work and it pains me to admit it. I have completed a two week period of temporary work. Each day I came home, changed into comfortable clothes or my sleepwear and went straight to bed. My body required extra rest. By the last day I was in so much pain, fatigue and I wanted to cry. Cry because I could see the mistakes I made, my memory loss, forgetfulness and the poor quality I produced. As much as I love people and helping them, I am saddened by my inability to consistently help them. Our family needed the money, I needed to feel like I could accomplish something and we had a negative balance in our bank account with no food to speak of. My new earning would not amount to much however, it was going to help. I ended up in so much pain the morphine had no affect on me. I came straight home to bed and laid there crying because I felt helpless, worthless and powerless. I did not tell my family I was crying myself to sleep. My husband checked on me and asked what was wrong with the one eye he could see, I just told him it was irritated from the pollen. I did not want to burden him with my own insecure feelings. I was overwhelmed by my guilt of not being able to provide for my family. My husband and sons are so supportive and loving. I want to give them so much. I want to help my sick elderly Mother who has suffered and given so much of herself to our family. My brother who has worked so hard and has yet to reach the peak of happiness, his own marriage and family. My younger sister who has suffered and struggled and my oldest sister who has always been the one to rescue us all, though she has her share of problems. I ask myself what lesson is it that I have yet to learn? I have tried to help people, been an advocate for those I felt were mistreated. I have helped some express their feelings and special needs. I have enjoyed and felt blessed to meet the people at the Opportunity Center, the Teacher’s, Principle, Social Worker’s and most of all the Student’s. The Student’s have touched my heart and given me so much of themselves by sharing their experiences, troubles, and success. May God help them all.
I almost felt peppy, lively... I was back again! Yet I am here...in bed again. Those precious moments of contributing, sharing... now seems like a long time ago. It was emotionally draining, but I enjoyed the opportunity I was given. I feel blessed yet I feel inadequate because of this miserable illness. God help me accept this illness and stop dreaming of the unattainable I have tried so many times to change. Nobody can say I have not tried to fight this illness.
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
BE HONEST
I wrote this on June 10, 2004
At this moment I don't want my family and friends to see me, because I do not think they would understand. I grieve for my previous identity. The person who had a career, enjoyed working with people and helping people. The person who came home, shared their day, listened to family and tried to make things easier for them. The woman who had the energy to take her Mother out for a drive, get lost and pretend it was simply a tour of the city. I have never had a sense of direction. I could deal with some deficiencies, now they have multiplied. At this time, I can't bring myself to dream about those times. It takes too much energy. I know it is not right but at times I feel I cannot keep hiding this feeling of failing. Failing in many ways.
I was trying to have a career, be a Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend, co-worker. Was that too much? Are we as individual’s trying to do too much? I ask myself that question on different occasions. Was I trying to do too many things? Well, I do not believe I am the only person that is trying to accomplish a number of things. Is anyone really able to do all those things? Be honest. Can you? I know I was stopped by this miserable illness. I enjoy the stimulation of friends, colleagues and family ties. This fatigue keeps me from enjoying it and also reminds me to value those times. I do value my time with my family and friends. I am grateful for those special occasions.
Life carries on and on....so what can you do to make it better? Life carries on, yet the person I grieve still taps in on my mind... on a daily, weekly, sometimes just monthly or semi-monthly basis. I am grateful I am not haunted too often. I have never been a very good nurse, I don't like to hear people whine. Thank goodness my boys are not complainers. Although, I have caught myself whimpering and grumbling when I am alone or even writing this book. Hello? What am I doing? I believe your attitude has a lot to do with how you feel. Or so....I believed. There are days I fight hard to keep a good attitude. Something within me has created this compulsion to feel that it is my job to make people smile and be happy. How can I do that when I am not happy? I need to recognize that we can not be happy all of the time. We are all in control of our emotions and we alone can change or allow others to change our emotions. Take charge of your emotions. That is my lesson for the day.
Folding towels in bed for short periods of time makes me fatigue, what makes me think I can work? I do grieve. I am not perfect. I know people claim to always have a great attitude, they have their bad days too. We have to admit it and move forward. I place too much pressure on myself to be in a great mood, and have an unending faith that I will endure. Cheers to those that have made it and beat it. I still have trouble with it. I admit I still have trouble with it. I am after all human.
I keep grieving though people tell me you are not your work. The jobs we end up with are an extension of ourselves. It is one of many ways to express ourselves. Do you not act like yourself at work? Come on people, be honest. If you are doing something at work that is not an extension of your personal self, then you are robbing yourself. I have never been able to act differently at work. I am who I am, I love people, I enjoy meeting different types of people with different interests in life. I like getting to know people and helping them enhance their strengths.
SHARING, EMBRACING AND RECOGNIZING OURSELVES
Trust me and don't keep your feelings on the inside. Why? You will soon lock yourself out and away from people. The people you know and love. I have to remind myself I am not alone. The truth is I am not alone but I do grieve the energy, drive and passion I once had. I will be alright, yet I still grieve. Smiling enables us to feel joy and forget our troubles, if only for a moment. I am going to give it up pretending for a little while. I need that time to grieve and to let go of these sad feelings. How can we do this without our family and friends reacting and feeling sorry for us? I don’t want that. I want to grieve, I want to be sad and then get over it. I know there isn't a place I can hide this sadness or show it, except within myself. I know that feeling, that feeling of sadness. Yet I can only express it in my dreams or when I am alone. I know others feel it and hide it. Then hopefully they come back in from the cold and regain that smile.
I decided my way to start smiling and feeling better would be to write a section in this journal I am creating. Step away, do your thing, then return to the mirror and see yourself. That individual that once was happy and free of pain. Sometimes you have to back away and fight that horrible sadness. It is not easy to do. It is possible. Do I sound confused, frustrated and overwhelmed? Well, I have been from time to time. However, that has been an experience I learned from and do not regret it because I listened to my instincts and followed my heart. Therefore, being true to myself I just keep reminding myself I am not alone.
STARTING TO THINK ABOUT HOW TO FEEL BETTER
I am here and I will be for a long time. I know there isn't a place I can hide. I know the feeling of alone. Trust me and don't keep those feelings inside. Soon you will feel like you are left out on your own. It is so easy to become a hermit,away from people and every day activities. Just try to remember you are not alone and you have to remind yourself that you are not alone. You are not alone.
If God would send his Angels, would everything be alright? Some days I don't know the answer to that. Dare I share those feelings with my family? No. I have to be strong and keep them believing that we are dealt the cards we can handle. Jesus has never let me down, yet some days I feel let down or left out. Which is it? Where is that faith I try so hard to hold on to? I've got to remember that God is there and his Angels are here to help me, help us. I don't want to lie to my family and I don't want to fool myself. Are we fooling ourselves? I wonder. Yes, I do sometimes wonder. Is it that I am wondering? Or is it that I am loosing that faith? Which is it? I can't simply stop thinking about this at times. But I am not alone and I am aware of the support I have from my family and friends. However, they don't feel my pain, my fatigue and my thoughts. This illness is uninvited and I want it to go away and let me live my life as an individual that made a difference in this lifetime, who provided guidance and empowered people to find their gifts.
I need a moment to let down my guard in front of someone, but who can I do this with without making them feel sorry for me or pity me. Without causing pain. Yet this is what I feel and tell myself everyday....when everything seems like a struggle, remember your faith and never forget there is a God. We are in this world for a reason and we touch so many lives, hearts, souls without a true awareness of our own contributions.
I feel blessed to have a wonderful soul mate as a husband and three beautiful children I am very proud of. I do not want to be a burden to my family financially. I do not want them to end up as my custodian. It does take so much out of you to have to ask for help. Why is it easier to help others than to ask for help? After all I live my life by “what goes around comes around,” so why is it so hard to ask for help?
I don't want to hurt my family, I just want them to know and remember the person I was. I once brought up how picky I was about the house and wanted it spotless and how I used to cook three meals a day and have dessert. Nobody remembered. Do you know how much that hurt? Maybe it meant nothing to them, but it meant so much to me. I now rely on my husband to clean. When I do clean, I end up in bed with yet another flare-up. Pacing. I hate pacing. That was not a word in my vocabulary. Pacing is now forced on me.
I remind myself to not let any sudden feelings of self-doubt dampen any fun, these feelings are only temporary. Temporary? My illness has not been temporary. I am waiting for that so called remission. I lied about how I felt...and told my doctor, family and friends I was in remission. I tried to convince myself I was in remission. I know how to influence people. I have the ability to convince others to feel better, recognize their strengths, improve, excel, heal and alter their mindset. Somehow I cannot help myself. Why is that? Maybe I need someone like myself in my life. Someone that convinces me that I have that mind over matter power to go into remission.
Sometimes I concentrate on my own domestic space, spend time cleaning, organizing or spend quality time with my loves ones. By the end of the day I am in extreme pain and very fatigued. Was it worth it? Yes. However, is it too much to ask for a full day of no pain or fatigue? Maybe, maybe not.
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
At this moment I don't want my family and friends to see me, because I do not think they would understand. I grieve for my previous identity. The person who had a career, enjoyed working with people and helping people. The person who came home, shared their day, listened to family and tried to make things easier for them. The woman who had the energy to take her Mother out for a drive, get lost and pretend it was simply a tour of the city. I have never had a sense of direction. I could deal with some deficiencies, now they have multiplied. At this time, I can't bring myself to dream about those times. It takes too much energy. I know it is not right but at times I feel I cannot keep hiding this feeling of failing. Failing in many ways.
I was trying to have a career, be a Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend, co-worker. Was that too much? Are we as individual’s trying to do too much? I ask myself that question on different occasions. Was I trying to do too many things? Well, I do not believe I am the only person that is trying to accomplish a number of things. Is anyone really able to do all those things? Be honest. Can you? I know I was stopped by this miserable illness. I enjoy the stimulation of friends, colleagues and family ties. This fatigue keeps me from enjoying it and also reminds me to value those times. I do value my time with my family and friends. I am grateful for those special occasions.
Life carries on and on....so what can you do to make it better? Life carries on, yet the person I grieve still taps in on my mind... on a daily, weekly, sometimes just monthly or semi-monthly basis. I am grateful I am not haunted too often. I have never been a very good nurse, I don't like to hear people whine. Thank goodness my boys are not complainers. Although, I have caught myself whimpering and grumbling when I am alone or even writing this book. Hello? What am I doing? I believe your attitude has a lot to do with how you feel. Or so....I believed. There are days I fight hard to keep a good attitude. Something within me has created this compulsion to feel that it is my job to make people smile and be happy. How can I do that when I am not happy? I need to recognize that we can not be happy all of the time. We are all in control of our emotions and we alone can change or allow others to change our emotions. Take charge of your emotions. That is my lesson for the day.
Folding towels in bed for short periods of time makes me fatigue, what makes me think I can work? I do grieve. I am not perfect. I know people claim to always have a great attitude, they have their bad days too. We have to admit it and move forward. I place too much pressure on myself to be in a great mood, and have an unending faith that I will endure. Cheers to those that have made it and beat it. I still have trouble with it. I admit I still have trouble with it. I am after all human.
I keep grieving though people tell me you are not your work. The jobs we end up with are an extension of ourselves. It is one of many ways to express ourselves. Do you not act like yourself at work? Come on people, be honest. If you are doing something at work that is not an extension of your personal self, then you are robbing yourself. I have never been able to act differently at work. I am who I am, I love people, I enjoy meeting different types of people with different interests in life. I like getting to know people and helping them enhance their strengths.
SHARING, EMBRACING AND RECOGNIZING OURSELVES
Trust me and don't keep your feelings on the inside. Why? You will soon lock yourself out and away from people. The people you know and love. I have to remind myself I am not alone. The truth is I am not alone but I do grieve the energy, drive and passion I once had. I will be alright, yet I still grieve. Smiling enables us to feel joy and forget our troubles, if only for a moment. I am going to give it up pretending for a little while. I need that time to grieve and to let go of these sad feelings. How can we do this without our family and friends reacting and feeling sorry for us? I don’t want that. I want to grieve, I want to be sad and then get over it. I know there isn't a place I can hide this sadness or show it, except within myself. I know that feeling, that feeling of sadness. Yet I can only express it in my dreams or when I am alone. I know others feel it and hide it. Then hopefully they come back in from the cold and regain that smile.
I decided my way to start smiling and feeling better would be to write a section in this journal I am creating. Step away, do your thing, then return to the mirror and see yourself. That individual that once was happy and free of pain. Sometimes you have to back away and fight that horrible sadness. It is not easy to do. It is possible. Do I sound confused, frustrated and overwhelmed? Well, I have been from time to time. However, that has been an experience I learned from and do not regret it because I listened to my instincts and followed my heart. Therefore, being true to myself I just keep reminding myself I am not alone.
STARTING TO THINK ABOUT HOW TO FEEL BETTER
I am here and I will be for a long time. I know there isn't a place I can hide. I know the feeling of alone. Trust me and don't keep those feelings inside. Soon you will feel like you are left out on your own. It is so easy to become a hermit,away from people and every day activities. Just try to remember you are not alone and you have to remind yourself that you are not alone. You are not alone.
If God would send his Angels, would everything be alright? Some days I don't know the answer to that. Dare I share those feelings with my family? No. I have to be strong and keep them believing that we are dealt the cards we can handle. Jesus has never let me down, yet some days I feel let down or left out. Which is it? Where is that faith I try so hard to hold on to? I've got to remember that God is there and his Angels are here to help me, help us. I don't want to lie to my family and I don't want to fool myself. Are we fooling ourselves? I wonder. Yes, I do sometimes wonder. Is it that I am wondering? Or is it that I am loosing that faith? Which is it? I can't simply stop thinking about this at times. But I am not alone and I am aware of the support I have from my family and friends. However, they don't feel my pain, my fatigue and my thoughts. This illness is uninvited and I want it to go away and let me live my life as an individual that made a difference in this lifetime, who provided guidance and empowered people to find their gifts.
I need a moment to let down my guard in front of someone, but who can I do this with without making them feel sorry for me or pity me. Without causing pain. Yet this is what I feel and tell myself everyday....when everything seems like a struggle, remember your faith and never forget there is a God. We are in this world for a reason and we touch so many lives, hearts, souls without a true awareness of our own contributions.
I feel blessed to have a wonderful soul mate as a husband and three beautiful children I am very proud of. I do not want to be a burden to my family financially. I do not want them to end up as my custodian. It does take so much out of you to have to ask for help. Why is it easier to help others than to ask for help? After all I live my life by “what goes around comes around,” so why is it so hard to ask for help?
I don't want to hurt my family, I just want them to know and remember the person I was. I once brought up how picky I was about the house and wanted it spotless and how I used to cook three meals a day and have dessert. Nobody remembered. Do you know how much that hurt? Maybe it meant nothing to them, but it meant so much to me. I now rely on my husband to clean. When I do clean, I end up in bed with yet another flare-up. Pacing. I hate pacing. That was not a word in my vocabulary. Pacing is now forced on me.
I remind myself to not let any sudden feelings of self-doubt dampen any fun, these feelings are only temporary. Temporary? My illness has not been temporary. I am waiting for that so called remission. I lied about how I felt...and told my doctor, family and friends I was in remission. I tried to convince myself I was in remission. I know how to influence people. I have the ability to convince others to feel better, recognize their strengths, improve, excel, heal and alter their mindset. Somehow I cannot help myself. Why is that? Maybe I need someone like myself in my life. Someone that convinces me that I have that mind over matter power to go into remission.
Sometimes I concentrate on my own domestic space, spend time cleaning, organizing or spend quality time with my loves ones. By the end of the day I am in extreme pain and very fatigued. Was it worth it? Yes. However, is it too much to ask for a full day of no pain or fatigue? Maybe, maybe not.
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
When I First Started to Write My Book...
I am a 48 year old Hispanic woman who once suffered a very high fever and extreme pain throughout my body. I was taken to emergency and the staff was able to reduce my fever from 104 to below 100. However, the extreme pain throughout my body was still there. They did take x-rays and found nothing. People with our illness require more than x-rays. There are other tests that can be administered. They just knew I was suffering from some type of depression, stress or loss of a family member. The fact was I had a fever, they brought it down and just wanted to send me home. Yes indeed, that is what they did. However, they did ask I talk to a social worker prior to my leaving. I politely told her I did not need her services and thanked her for her time.
Meanwhile I went home and slept. The next morning I could not get out of bed. The fatigue was extreme. I had my husband assist me getting out of bed, bathing, and getting dressed for work. I was not about to let this fatigue get me down. It took me more than three hours to get ready with help. I dragged my body to work for the next two weeks and finally made an appointment to see my doctor. I was a Project Manager, busy and very happy with my career. Yes it was stressful however, it was fulfilling and energizing to me. A new experience I was enjoying and learning so much.
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
Meanwhile I went home and slept. The next morning I could not get out of bed. The fatigue was extreme. I had my husband assist me getting out of bed, bathing, and getting dressed for work. I was not about to let this fatigue get me down. It took me more than three hours to get ready with help. I dragged my body to work for the next two weeks and finally made an appointment to see my doctor. I was a Project Manager, busy and very happy with my career. Yes it was stressful however, it was fulfilling and energizing to me. A new experience I was enjoying and learning so much.
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
WHO AM I?
Who am I? I am one of millions of people who suffer from Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (FMS/CFIDS). There are times I do not want to believe I am ill. My family also fails to recognize the pain I am in, not because they do not love me or care, but because they do not want to admit, believe, or do not understand this miserable illness. As much as they try, unless you experience this yourself, you can not began to understand it. Friends see me, say I look great or look fine. They do not mean to hurt my feelings or undermine my illness. They simply do not understand it or know what to say. I do not blame people for their ignorance or lack of information. Yet I do not understand why people fail to educate themselves or try to understand the support and acceptance people in my situation want. I believe we as human beings tend to try to ignore or accept any bad feelings or news. I have met many individuals who have not received the support and love required by FMS/CFIDS patients. I know I am blessed and I pray that one day they will receive that support, acceptance and love they are worthy of.
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
My Personal Dream
MY DREAM
My dream is to have my health improve, share my thoughts and feelings, emotions and balance my life. I promise to share items and experiences that could possibly benefit others. There are people who suffer from a chronic illness and those that just need to remind themselves life is precious and to be grateful for what they have.
I am writing this book as a healing process for myself. I also pray that the day will come when my book is published and helps someone in this world that is filled with challenges and opportunities. Opportunities we choose to seize or abandon.
My goal is to share my feelings, emotions, individuality and personality. Survival is important and everything else is a bonus. The circumstances in my life that have lead me to write this book and why you will find out as you read on.
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
My dream is to have my health improve, share my thoughts and feelings, emotions and balance my life. I promise to share items and experiences that could possibly benefit others. There are people who suffer from a chronic illness and those that just need to remind themselves life is precious and to be grateful for what they have.
I am writing this book as a healing process for myself. I also pray that the day will come when my book is published and helps someone in this world that is filled with challenges and opportunities. Opportunities we choose to seize or abandon.
My goal is to share my feelings, emotions, individuality and personality. Survival is important and everything else is a bonus. The circumstances in my life that have lead me to write this book and why you will find out as you read on.
Everything on this site is copyright Viv Walters
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Experienced A Flare-Up :(
I am finally feeling human again. I was experiencing a real bad flare. There are people that understand what I mean by "Flare-Up". You end up experiencing a variety of symptoms at different times. With FMS you experience common symptoms such as disturbed sleep, disturbed memory, fatigue, pain, anxiety, sore throat, swollen lymph nodes and depression. I had widespread pain on both sides of my body, above and below the waist for what felt like a long period of time and my multiple tender points were indeed tender.
I am still having problems, but they are now at a level I can manage. There are different methods for managing the physical demands of fatigue, sleeping difficulties and weakness of a chronic disabling condition.
It is all in my attitude, I must try to be positive. My eating patterns, physical activity, strong relationships are all part of my daily life. I know this is not always easy. However, what keeps me going is knowing that I have the support of my family and friends. I also have to believe...believe, someday I will feel better.
There are various ways to do this; like trying to write articles for my blog or another site or by reading. Yes, I am making myself stretch and move around as much as possible. It is painful, so I have to set limits and pace myself. There goes that word I do not like, PACE.
I hope and pray that this post has helped someone today.
I am still having problems, but they are now at a level I can manage. There are different methods for managing the physical demands of fatigue, sleeping difficulties and weakness of a chronic disabling condition.
It is all in my attitude, I must try to be positive. My eating patterns, physical activity, strong relationships are all part of my daily life. I know this is not always easy. However, what keeps me going is knowing that I have the support of my family and friends. I also have to believe...believe, someday I will feel better.
There are various ways to do this; like trying to write articles for my blog or another site or by reading. Yes, I am making myself stretch and move around as much as possible. It is painful, so I have to set limits and pace myself. There goes that word I do not like, PACE.
I hope and pray that this post has helped someone today.
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