REMISSION, WHAT IS THAT?

I wrote this on July 11, 2004

As of today I have yet to experience remission. I will admit I told my doctor, family and friends I felt better and thought I was on the road to remission. I was trying to convince myself I was in remission. Mind over matter. It has not worked for me, but I pray it will someday soon. I keep trying to ignore my pain, but it is not easy.

Sometimes I find myself searching for someone who feels my pain. Nobody likes to be alone. Some will admit it, others will be brave..or do they act brave? Why is every part of my body hurting? Maybe I am just out of my mind?

When it rains, my body aches, I keep trying to fight it. I do not know how I will do, but I know I am not alone. Day after day another ache within my body, but I keep moving. I wonder how long I can go without giving in and sleeping it off. There is hope in the darkness, you hope you will make it. The time is sometimes slow, sometimes fast. I think about how I will deal with it today. I used to see sky of blue and clouds of white...now I think to myself what I am I going to do? I would like to get away for awhile. I think about everything. I don’t see or recognize this person I have become. I do not talk about my pain because I do not want pity nor do I want people to look sad. I keep trying to convince myself to keep my chin up. I cannot believe what these past seven years have been like. Have I decided that I must meet certain expectations, nurture and accept what I believe is expected of me as a wife, mother, sister and friend?

Today I realize once again that I am not able to work and it pains me to admit it. I have completed a two week period of temporary work. Each day I came home, changed into comfortable clothes or my sleepwear and went straight to bed. My body required extra rest. By the last day I was in so much pain, fatigue and I wanted to cry. Cry because I could see the mistakes I made, my memory loss, forgetfulness and the poor quality I produced. As much as I love people and helping them, I am saddened by my inability to consistently help them. Our family needed the money, I needed to feel like I could accomplish something and we had a negative balance in our bank account with no food to speak of. My new earning would not amount to much however, it was going to help. I ended up in so much pain the morphine had no affect on me. I came straight home to bed and laid there crying because I felt helpless, worthless and powerless. I did not tell my family I was crying myself to sleep. My husband checked on me and asked what was wrong with the one eye he could see, I just told him it was irritated from the pollen. I did not want to burden him with my own insecure feelings. I was overwhelmed by my guilt of not being able to provide for my family. My husband and sons are so supportive and loving. I want to give them so much. I want to help my sick elderly Mother who has suffered and given so much of herself to our family. My brother who has worked so hard and has yet to reach the peak of happiness, his own marriage and family. My younger sister who has suffered and struggled and my oldest sister who has always been the one to rescue us all, though she has her share of problems. I ask myself what lesson is it that I have yet to learn? I have tried to help people, been an advocate for those I felt were mistreated. I have helped some express their feelings and special needs. I have enjoyed and felt blessed to meet the people at the Opportunity Center, the Teacher’s, Principle, Social Worker’s and most of all the Student’s. The Student’s have touched my heart and given me so much of themselves by sharing their experiences, troubles, and success. May God help them all.

I almost felt peppy, lively... I was back again! Yet I am here...in bed again. Those precious moments of contributing, sharing... now seems like a long time ago. It was emotionally draining, but I enjoyed the opportunity I was given. I feel blessed yet I feel inadequate because of this miserable illness. God help me accept this illness and stop dreaming of the unattainable I have tried so many times to change. Nobody can say I have not tried to fight this illness.


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