Thursday, May 25, 2017

Starting to open up

Hello Everyone,

I'm starting to open up and let people in again. Yes, I have done what is necessary to just live each and everyday. As days go by all I can think about is Jerry's last day on this earth. What might be different if I hadn't left the hospital room as requested by the nurse. Was it his way of letting go while I wasn't there to make it easier on me? I'm haunted by this moment in time when I felt something was wrong while in the waiting room. I felt something and ran into his room where I found them trying to resuscitate him. I asked them to stop, he didn't need to suffer any longer. He hung on as long as he could for 29 long days in that hospital. He was able to say "I love you" and gave me a hug and several kisses. I thought he would recover even though the doctors felt I needed to let go. I got lost in that moment and told them to stop. At that moment I felt it was the right thing to say but later felt remorse. It has been almost five years now and I feel like I made the right decision. I hope he knows I did it for him. I selfishly wanted him here with me but knew I had to let him go.

I am finally letting his soul rest, trying to move on without his love and affection. That love and affection that fed my heart and soul. I still cry and crave his presence. I can't explain the way I feel each and everyday of my life without him here with me.

I still have his things around me and have never cleaned out our closet or medicine cabinet. Those steps are necessary but so very hard to take. I don't know if I will ever find the strength to let go of his things. I pray for him and I know in my heart he is no longer suffering. I also know how hard it was for him to let go because he loved with such passion, his family was everything to him.

He taught me how to love unconditionally, how to accept someone in every way possible. This is one of the most important lessons he taught me in life and I cherish every moment he we had.

That's all for now, keep reading my new posts if you are interested.

I pray and hope you have a day free of pain and fatigue.

Fibro Viv

Today's Tip:  When you are experiencing a flare-up force yourself to get out of bed, take a hot bath, and try to move. Spend time reading your favorite book, watch a movie, listen to music, just do something. You must try to focus on taking control of your health. Don't let this pain and fatigue take over your life. Fight.

Here I go again

Hello Everyone,

Here I go again,

When no one else could understand me, he was always there for me. He held my hand, listened, and gave me the courage to move forward. Now I must move forward without him.I must find the courage and strength he always gave me. I must do it because the pain in my heart is killing my soul.

Did you ever want something so bad you ached all over? Did you ever feel your heartache so much you could visualize the blood flowing, the blood pouring out of your heart. It almost tears me apart, apart from living each day. I know in my heart that I must stop the bleeding and move forward. I focus on those moments when I felt close to him but it leads me down a dark path where there is lots of sorrow and pain because I know he is no longer here in my life. I have lost him forever and know in my heart I must move on without him.

Well, keep reading if you are interested. I pray and hope you have a day free of pain and fatigue.

Fibro Viv

Today's Tip: If you are in extreme pain, get up, take a hot bath, wrap yourself up in a warm robe and lay back. Place pillows under your legs and on each side of your arms. Listen to some music and try to get lost in the words or sound of the music. Escape that pain and relax. God Bless

Starting Over

Hello Everyone,

It has been awhile since I have written anything. I am filled with many thoughts and I am trying to process them all. Hope you can understand where I am coming from. And so I start with the following:

ABOUT JERRY

Never felt such complete and utter love as I did for Jerry. I never will forget the way he looked at me and showed his love in every way possible. I have never seen a man look at me and through me in every way possible. It was just us connected spiritually, mind, body...I just can't explain what we felt, that complete and utter love. The electricity I felt each and every time we touched. I miss that connection, that unconditional love that held us together. He wasn't perfect but neither was I. We were perfect for each other and found that balance in life making our journey possible. I'm selfish and greedy because I wanted more time with him.

Some may not understand this heartache and pain. How difficult it has been to loose the love of my life. Why is it taking me so long to want to be around people, to open up and connect, to understand that life goes on. We are unique and different, we all process loss in different ways. I just want the space and time I need to process this loss.

If you are so inclined keep reading my new posts.

I pray and hope everyone has a day without pain and fatigue.

Fibro Viv


Today's tip: Try to move forward and fight that fatigue and pain by forcing yourself to at least stretch and move. I know it hurts, but you have no choice. Don't let this pain stop you from living. God Bless